A (Little) Turtle
by ASingleMind
Summary: Cortes is missing and the only clue to his whereabouts is a rather large sea tortoise occupying the captain's chair. Needless to say, the crew of the St. Nazaire are having a strange morning. Obvious crack fic is indeed crack.


**A/N: Crack fic is crack. Writing is a bit scant but eh.**

"Mahad..." Dahlia began, with the same exasperation that she often retorted Mahad's gestures with. "You can't expect me to believe that Cortes is not only missing, but has been replaced with a..._sea turtle?_" Her eyes rolled back toward her walking partner as she finished.

"Well, yeah." he replied casually. Dahlia's head dropped notable degree.

"This has got to be the strangest idea you've come up with yet..."

"Well, its working isn't it?" Mahad said, quickly looking between the two of them. He was smiling now. The coy curve that stretched his cheek on one side was nearly enough to make Dahlia stop right there. But Cortes had foregone his usual drill call that morning, and while the extra time to relax before arming the was welcomed it was alarming. Cortes _never _skipped the morning routine.

"For what its worth, I'm going with you out of concern for our captain..." Mahad, as usual, half ignored her denying comment.

"Of course you are! And who better to take you to see what has become of our (in)glorious leader but _me._" the smile had somehow become even more unbearable as he tied in hand gestures.

"...that's what I thought." Dahlia muttered. "So where's Wayan and everyone?"

"Oh, they're already there. Someone had to look after him. Oh, you should have seen the look on Cheng's face when he saw it! He was nearly in tears..."

"I'm sure."

"Oh-oh and _Wayan _man..." Mahad continued. The pair had reached the warship and were ascending the staircase that would open to the bridge. "He was like, so confused. Sort of. I kinda thought he might know what was going on, but..."

"Mahad! You're back." Cheng greeted as they reached the control screen.

"Of course I am. And I got Dahlia." Cheng glanced at her and then turned his attention back to Mahad. "Did anything happen while I was gone?" he asked excitedly. Cheng simply shook his head. "Aww..."

"Mahad, you brought..." Wayan grunted as he attempted to lift something "Dahlia. Good." It was at this moment Dahlia finally began to take in the scene before her. Cheng and Lena had taken their usual positions on either side of the main control screen. Both were idly sitting by as Wayan was struggling with the...captain's chair? Turning around, she made sight of everything Mahad had claimed.

"Well..."

"Yeah?" Mahad chimed in.

"It's...a turtle." Dahlia said. "A live, sea turtle. In the middle of Skyland..." Mahad smiled again, though this time it was a lot softer.

"Told ya." Dahlia was too surprised to be upset at Mahad being right, for once.

With great effort, Wayan spun the chair back around so that its occupant was facing the rest of the crew. A sea turtle, just as Mahad had described. A flattened body covered by a distinct, sea green teardrop shaped carapace. Two large paddle-like flippers extended out from a grove just aside from the base of the neck. The curve of both limbs were textured with brown, broken skin where cracks gave way to the soft off-white flesh underneath. A pair of smaller, similar extenders poked out beside the rear point of the shell. The head itself donned the same colors, but had been fitted with two beady eyes that seemed to be set in a permanent glare under wrinkled eyelids. Its mouth formed a jagged crease that came to a sharp corner at the tip. It eyed Dahlia for a moment as the chair ceased its spin. At least, until Wayan gave a firm tug on a plaid material.

It was wrapped around the body and shell and unceremoniously tied to one of the front flippers. The pattern of Cortes' tartan was immediately recognizable. Dahalia's eyes widened as she realized what it was, and why the younger crew members might have guessed the identity of the marine animal.

"I don't even know how it got ahold of the damn thing!" Wayan muttered as he continued to wrestle with the creature. "This thing is pretty darn heavy..." Wayan had a grip on the wrap just a few inches away from the fin that was flapping against him furiously...at least as much as a slow-moving turtle could achieve.

"He." Cheng said softly, a little late to really correct him.

"It looks pretty...upset Wayan." Dahlia noted.

"I think that's just how its designed..." Wayan told her.

"It's really grumpy. That's how you know it's Cortes." Mahad insisted. Dahlia gave him a look. "He tried to bite me earlier..."

"I almost wish it had."

"It _is _Cortes. I know it is!" Cheng cried.

"Guys, what if Cheng is right?" Lena finally spoke up. The look in her eyes was clear to both Mahad and Dahlia. It was the beginning of an idea, a plan, one that would be just on the cusp of complete stubbornness. "I'm going to try to communicate with it using my powers!" she said as her forearms began to sizzle with blue energy. Bringing her hands to the side of her head, she closed her eyes and began focusing.

"I sense...something I think. Hold on..." Everyone except for Wayan was watching her. "I think...well it is actually upset. Especially with Wayan. I think its...hungry?" Dahlia seemed incredulous, but Mahad and Cheng continued to listen with rapt attention. "Guys-" There was a screech. A sharp, loud scratching sound as the turtle was slowly dragged along by Wayan.

"Finally! Some progress." Wayan said, relieved. The turtle began squeaking, only to be interrupted by short chirping noises.

"Oh, now you've really made him mad..." said Mahad.

"It's actually kind of cute..." Lena said softly.

"Ugh, that noise is driving me crazy." Dahlia groaned. "Has anyone tried radioing him?"

"Uh...no." Cheng admitted. "But I called the Vector. He's on his away." Dahlia nodded and grabbed the handheld from her belt.

"Cortes? This is Dahlia. Please respond."

"_Stop!_" Lena yelled suddenly. Everyone, even Wayan this time, froze. "You're hurting him!" The chirps were loud squawks now. A soft buzzing sound could be heard emanating from the sea creature in between its screeches. Dahlia put the radio away.

"It's _inside _the turtle." Dahlia said exasperated. Wayan's shoulders dropped in annoyance as he let go of the tartan wrap. The turtle managed a smug look as the fabric remained wrapped around it. Then, just as suddenly Wayan wrapped both his hands around the edge of the shell and _pulled. _

"You at least have to get off the chair!" Wayan insisted. If anyone had been paying attention, they may have noticed the soft notification noise that had been sounding off since just before the turtle had begun its noisy clamouring. The notification continued flashing at the bottom of the screen beside the chair. The tortoise began more angry flapping, but now with both front fins. `Come _on!" _The fin outstretched towards the monitor, as it turned out, was_ just _long enough.

_"Cortes." _ a female voice stated, sounding very satisfied. Everyone turned to the screen. "_If you wish to see your brother in one piece I—" _Diwan was almost as surprised as they had been. "_Is that...a turtle? In a tartan? __**Is this some kind of joke?**__" _For a moment, Wayan was dumbfounded. And then...

"What do you want Diwan?" he growled. The embarrassment seemed to be too much for the poor creature, who, after a squawk that sounded almost like a groan, had began to crawl off the chair of its own accord. No one paid it any attention as it landed with a loud thud on the metal floor.

"I want to speak to Cortes."

"You'll have to settle for me. Now, what do you want?" Wayan replied curtly. Diwan glared at him through the projection.

"_I believe I have something that may be of interest to your tort—Captain." _Lena and Cheng stifled a giggle.

"Christophe?" Wayan raised an eyebrow.

"_Yes, __**Christophe.**__" _she confirmed, nearly seething as she said the name. _"I believe then, you would remember the Callist-" _there was crashing sound somewhere behind her. _"What-?" _she stuttered as she turned away from the interface on her end. There was a second voice, male this time, although muffled by its distance from the receiver.

_ "I'm awake now. Did ya miss me?" _

_ "How did you-"_

_ "Don't even worry about it." _A thump with a solid resounding _pound. _Diwan's image phased away and Christophe's face came into view. _"With the force of fiction powered by bad writing..." _Christophe smiled. _"So, how's the crew doing these days?"_

Wayan and Dahlia both sighed. "We're fine." Christophe nodded.

"_So...not quite the little turtle I remember." _

"Cortes isn't here at the moment if that's what you mean."

"_I saw the turtle over her shoulder." _Christophe said. Dahlia and Wayan gave each other a look. "_So, crazy night then I'm guessing?" _

"Uh, not really."

"_No need to be shy! Personally I'm wondering how you managed to get a _turtle. _I didn't even know those still existed."_

_ "_I didn't either..."

"_And the tartan! How did you manage to get it on him? Cortes never lets anyone touch that thing—"_

"Is now really the time?"

"_Uh...I suppose not. So, how about that rescue then?"_

The familiar control centre of the ship was awash a blueish green light that wouldn't seem to go away no matter how slowly he blinked. The orange projections were a light green, the rustic metal deep navy. The crew almost seemed inverted. But that wasn't the end of the tortoise's troubles, no.

As it turned out, as a creature of the sea, he weighed far more than something his size should. How did something like this ever manage to stay buoyant? His fins were almost dragging across the floor as he inched is way to the exit. Fortunately the datavised call seemed to be distracting the crew, and no one moved to get in his way.

Everything felt surprisingly thick. The air seemed to muffle all sound, even though he knew it wasn't that noisy. His weight almost pinned him to the ground, and his line of sight didn't reach past a few feet. It imagined that the raw air wasn't enough to transfer sound (or light) the way it was used to. It was with great strain that he could determine what any of the bi-pedals were saying. He was mostly lip-reading on those he could see.

But the worst, most _frustrating _thingwas entirely native to human structures and therefore beyond the realm of his current expertise. Stairs. The turtle chirped in annoyance.

"Well, what have we here..." a calm, surprisingly clear voice spoke. "It seems that Cheng wasn't letting his imagination get the best of him after all." Even in its warped vision, the human's pants remained black. "Heading toward the cabin are we?" The turtle simply chirped again. "Ah, how about I help you out there then?" The grey-haired walker couldn't possibly lift him, could he? As it happened, he didn't need to. A good push angled him against the incline and away he went.

"Ah, sorry. You were a bit heavier than I expected..."

"Look, I can't agree to any of this until Cortes gets back."

_"I don't have a lot of time here."_

"I know but..."

"Vector!" Cheng exclaimed as the man in question walked up behind Wayan.

"The captain should be along soon Christophe." the older man smiled knowingly at Wayan as he patted him on the shoulder.

"I certainly hope so." he replied. A familiar heavy walk erupted from the side of the room as the door leading to the walkway outside was slammed open. It hit the wall with a thwak. He said nothing as he briskly walked past Cheng and the rest of the controls. He nearly shoved Wayan as he pushed pass the Vector and sat down.

"Christophe..."

"_Aran! Brother! I'm glad to see that you're back to your human self!" _

"It's _Cortes._" He growled.

The crew standing behind while relieved at the return of their leader, were each giving him their own suspicious look. Lena, after looking around, reached down to the ground behind her chair.

"Uh, Cortes..."

"Lena, not now."

"I think you may be missing something important." she said nervously. Cortes glanced down at himself, suddenly conscious of the missing weight around his hips. Turning the chair and looking between the startled Vector and Wayan he could see Lena holding the end of his plaid patterned accessory. The tortoise had left he strewn in a line that vaguely seemed to follow the path it had crawled to get away from the awkward situation at the wheel. He gave a separate glare to each of his crew members.

"We will never speak of this to _anyone_. Especially not to _Christophe._"

"_Hi there! I saw the sea turtle over her shoulder! How in Skyland did you manage ithat one anyway?"_ For what would only be the first time that day, he dropped his head and sighed, resisting the urge put his face in his hands.

**Are crack fics supposed to be more than 1500 words? Oh well. Here's an alternate version of some of Diwan's lines, where, were I a bit sillier might have ended up in this: **

"_**I believe I have something that may be of interest to your tortoise. I mean turtle. I **_**mean ****_crustac—CAPTAIN. ARGH! Dammit, what is it with you pirates and sea creatures? I mean, you insignia is some sort of cat fish thing isn't it? I never did understand that..."_**

**Leave a review if this at least gave you a giggle.**


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